fashionlover

I wish I could confidently narrow down the ideas I have for what I'd like to do when I graduate to something that would be both challenging and fulfilling without making me want to go over board.

I'm in at least three serious life transitions. My parents are getting a divorce after 32 years of marriage. I just got into a serious relationship after a long bought of being a singleton, and I'm having a very hard time managing my time, energy, and focus in a balanced way. And I will graduate in about a year if all goes as planned. Crazy.

Summer reading club. I pick one book a month that people will like/haven't already read, and we all read it and meet to talk about it once a week or so. We take turns bringing snacks and/or chipping in for them. Are you interested? This could even be an online thing, but I would only make it online if people have video chat capabilities b/c I like seeing peoples' faces and hearing their voices. I just think this would be awesome because I love my Drama & Fiction class right now. We're on to the fiction part and all we do is read short stories and discuss them. I just think it's so much fun discuss things like this as opposed to every day stuff, which can be fun too, but often gets repetitive and boring.

P.S. I think drinks would be a nice little addition b/c we all know that would enhance the discussion for those of us who enjoy them.

Obviously if you worry about bad luck after breaking a mirror, you are superstitious. None of these things would phase me. Although I wouldn't be happy that there was a mess to clean up after breaking the mirror or if it physically hurt me or someone else.

Give me a break. Get real!

It's interesting to me how some people choose to separate themselves from others based on the most minute differences.

I remember reading an article in Vogue or W (more likely W) about an upcoming film within the past 6 months to a year. It had Winona Ryder, Christina Ricci, Helena Bonham Carter, or another pale dark-haired actress starring in it. I remember it saying that she grew up in captivity with no friends (with her rich father, I think), but that she spent all her free time mastering one hobby after another (everything from chess to archery to fencing). I think then she meets some guy, and they fall in love. If anyone knows what movie I'm talking about or even the article and could let me know, I'd greatly appreciate it. This has been bothering me for months. I've scoured the internet using the clues I have to no avail. Does anyone know what movie I might be talking about?

Always love yourself, especially when others do not love you.

I love Rupert Grint. I really do, but somehow I find this very amusing and hilarious: http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/afp_rupertgrint_swineflu.html

I'm excited about life. I plan to spend my life learning. I want to learn lots of languages and travel, so I can utilize them and meet all sorts of people. I want to bike, rollerblade, ski, and play tennis to keep in shape in an enjoyable way. I want to attend concerts and shows often, while continuing to explore all sorts of music. I want to build myself a home where I feel completely free with a tee-pee, a trampoline, and a tree house all in a large picturesque backyard with a garden almost as stunning or even more so than the one in "The Secret Garden". I want to have dinner parties, camp-out weekends, and movie screenings with small groups of diverse friends where everyone contributes to the conversation and learns from one another just like the ones I read about Andy Warhol and other vibrant people having. I'm not about snobbery. I'm about sharing and enlightening and cherishing and enjoying. I'd love to open my own business at one point, one fairly unrelated to my new major of interior design. Maybe a roller skating rink with theme nights and wonderful decor and ambience.

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For over a year now my parents have consistently complained about our loud inconsiderate neighbors to our left. Before they'd moved in we'd had fairly nice neighbors. One of whom included a cute guy a couple years older than me, Josh and his sweet and shy awkward younger preteen sister, Autumn (I think that was her name). If I could only remember his last name, I would definitely look him up on facebook or myspace. And before them, there was an old couple, Herman and Jane who lived there since before I was born. They were the sweetest people. They always got me a christmas present and told me it was from santa. To our right, we used to have an elderly woman, Rose and her loner middle-aged postal-worker son, Ron who never got married. From time to time we would hear the Ron yelling at his stubborn Rose who refused to cooperate for her own good, but nothing more than that. Although Ron mostly kept to himself, he was amiable when we would attempt to strike up conversation and he always loved our cat Angel. He retired a few years ago and moved to Las Vegas. Shortly after Ron moved a family moved in. The mother was very friendly and sweet, but I didn't see her often. The father was creepy and would often have his car turned on in the drive way playing rap with the bass cranked up. The children were nice, but I felt sorry for them as their parents were always yelling at them for being kids. Sometimes we could even hear them yelling from inside our house. One of our neighbors called child services, but they told our neighbor there was nothing they could do because they needed proof of abuse. They moved at least 6 months ago. Since then, the landlord has been showing the house to people, but no one has rented it. Today when we pulled in the driveway my dad commented that it was nice that our neighbors to the left aren't noisy any more. It turns out they moved. I had no idea. I always thought they were friendly, but yes they were a bit loud and inconsiderate at times. Anyway, it's weird because I grew up an only child surrounded by neighbors who really doted on me. I never even realized how sweet all of them were. Now here I am 21, going on 22 and the houses on both sides of us are completely empty. My dad thinks it's nice; it's quite eerie, really. Especially with the way the economy is, and the direction I can tell our suburb is heading in. I can only hope that whoever moves in next-door to us next is nice.

This got me to sleep: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQQ2jPm0CO4

Good night!

I don't know how I have avoided The Brian Jonestown Massacre for so long. I watched the documentary Dig! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9admQrK9Bz) a couple of weeks ago, which documents The Brian Jonestown Massacre and their initial kinship and later onslaught with The Dandy Warhols (I enjoy them too), along with their ups and downs (both of which there are many). After watching, I immediately ordered every one of their albums I could get my hands on from my local public library. I just picked them up today. So far I really love:


(this one has an insert talking about what music has become, and I absolutely love it; maybe I'll scan it later)
this is one of my favourites: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGejGZjHcq4

and



I still have a bunch more to listen to.

Looking back at my most recent post I feel that it's extremely ridiculous. Even more so than I thought it was at the time I wrote it. However I've decided that listening to the bs feelings I feel that are probably meaningless and maybe even superficial, is the only way to find what I once believed was true love. If true love doesn't exist, I will create it!

It's like I know him or something. My crush. I feel as if we've been together before, as if we could be together the day we meet just as naturally as I wake up on Sunday morning without an alarm clock. I know that some may think this is ridiculous, but what is life without hope. Sometimes hope for things that may not be is okay. Sometimes it's okay to go out on a limb and reach for something that may not cordially grasp your hand in that firm hand shake you once thought was possible.

For over a year now I have been cynical as all hell. I was never like that growing up, sad maybe, depressed yes, but I was always optimistic and idealistic, two traits I adored about myself. God, maybe the only two. All I know is that yes I am an introspective person, but I want to become more active in my life. I feel as if sometimes I just transport myself into this other world through reading all your journals, refreshing and clicking about the facebook realm, and watching new episodes of Felicity. These things inspire me, they are great, but I'll tell you, lately I've been refreshing too much and basically I could still live my life more actively and read these inspiring things instead of what I've been doing lately, which is primarily focusing on this extraterrestrial world. Now I am going to take risks, and do my best to live, really live.

“If we listened to our intellect we’d never have a love affair. We’d never have a friendship. We’d never go into business because we’d be cynical: ‘It’s gonna go wrong.’ Or ‘She’s going to hurt me.’ Or, ‘I’ve had a couple of bad love affairs, so therefore . . .’ Well, that’s nonsense. You’re going to miss life! You’ve got to jump off the cliff all the time and build your wings on the way down.”
- Ray Bradbury

Bradbury, I think you wrote this for me. Lay off! I'm going to give it a try. Okay? Are you happy now?

Last year I cupcake crush. Beginning of this year I could have had cupcake crush. I turned him down after our first because I found that he was a republican christian on facebook, although he was quiet about it. I think this was a bad way of weeding him out, too instant and shallow really. Regardless, cupcake crush wasn't right for me, so it's not a huge regret. However I've vowed to myself not to add my new crush on facebook. I don't want to know anything about him. This new crush that I feel has brought me great joy. Joy that I really needed at the low point in my life that has been this semester. It's reminded me of how I love mystery. I don't want to learn anything about him in any way other than experience. If any of those experiences end up being awkward then so be it; at least they are real. I really want to try and fly. All along I've just been drifting. I know sometimes I'll break down or come across a foggy haze, but I want to tackle problems not escape them. If there is one thing I've learned in psychology it's that when you avoid what you're afraid of it is only going to intensify your irrational fear and taint other parts of your life. Now I know that experiencing is more important than feeling as if I've done everything perfect. Practice makes perfect; I'm ready to start practicing. I only have two weeks and a couple of days left before crush and I will no longer be eating in same room anymore. I've gotta be quick about taking some action next time I see him.

Game plan:
1. Look nice and feel clean every day. It's always easier to approach a guy when these conditions are met.
2. just do it! Think about the first sentence I want to say before approaching, but don't think any further. Just let it happen.

I'm tired now. Good night!

(I thought it was by Pearl Jam, lol)

This: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJ95FaapL58

inspired

this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEi_yBvXhuc ,

which is the song Kat table dances to like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppfVEgDCt7Q&NR=1

Who knew?

I can't sleep.

It's Wednesday night (technically 2:09AM Thursday morning). What that means in the life of Andrea :insert my last name here: is that I have to wake up at 5:30AM and work at the front desk downstairs from 6AM-10AM. I then have a one hour break, which I spend eating and getting oriented to go to my next job in the multimedia services department of the library here at :insert my university's name here: where I work from 11AM-1PM.

I can't sleep. There's nothing more that I'd rather do right now than sleep, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Therefore I have chosen to drink a bottle of Smirnoff Ice while watching the long awaited beginning of Season 4 of Felicity, which I just picked up from the library today. Shortly after ingesting apx. 1/2 the Smirnoff Ice I threw up in a my mouth a little bit. I closed my lips tightly, so it wouldn't get on my sheets. I paused the show. I put down the remote, and I hopped off my highly stilted bed. I then tripped over something hurting myself before making it into the bathroom where I was relieved and ready to eject the projectile right into the toilet when I lifted up the two layers of the toilet seat only to have the second hit me in the face as I am spitting out the vomit. Wonderful! Luckily it didn't hurt too bad, and the vomit still went right into the toilet bowl.

Now I am feeling very confused and unsure. Part of me wishes I would have gone to a more expensive university where I could have gotten a "quality" education. Another part of me wonders of a quality education exists within our severely disfigured society. Another part of me wonders if said quality education were to exist within said society would it have any "value" within said society. I think not now, but maybe in another century it could.

I'm very excited about my future now that I have decided no longer to pursue psychology as my major. However what I have not admitted to much of anyone is that I am not sure if English (specifically writing) is it for me either. My plan is to take a course over the summer that is required if I want to take a photography class, which I have wanted to do since I can remember knowing they existed. Then in the fall I will take some combination of these classes a photography course, a creative writing course, a graphic design course (another career possibility), and an anthropology course (another career possibility). Oh, and I'd love to take a philosophy course as well. I wonder too if I should look into becoming a personal stylist, a fashion merchandiser, or even a filmmaker. I hope I can make some sense of this, but part of me wonders if most people out there just settle for something they like even though they may like other things more or equally. Maybe most people do like several things, but don't really love one thing that they can choose for their career; instead they just choose one and go on their way. Maybe only certain people love one thing enough to enjoy their career and feel fulfillment and meaning come from their work. Maybe I'm just not one of them. Or maybe most people feel pressured to choose before they are ready and as live their life in denial that they are okay with their lives in an unsatisfying career and instead trasfer their problems onto the people closest to them in life. Oh, I don't know, but I'm ready to be patient with myself and try to figure it out.

Now I'm going to drink some water, and watch some more Felicity. I think I'll be able to fall asleep soon.

Sometimes it is easier with strangers, sometimes with friends, and sometimes with family.

-Strangers are easier to talk to when no one you know seems to understand or care what you are going through or if they just happen to be there at an opportune moment.

Once on my flight home from San Francisco I talked to the woman sitting next to me about how one of my life goals is to run a marathon. Turns out she had just run a marathon herself. She used to be obese, and I would have never known it by looking at her fit frame. That was quite an inspiration to me.

-Friends are easier to talk to when background information is needed to understand or give advice on the situation at hand or when I know a specific friend will have a special understanding for it. Friends are also easier to talk to when I talk to them more frequently. As a general rule, the less I talk with a friend, the less natural our conversations are when we do speak to each other. However as with any rule, there are a couple of exceptions to that.

-My parents are easier to talk to about my friends and dates (surprisingly).

I really love talking to people about important things in my life and theirs. I'm thankful that I have so many people to talk to about these things.

 2 = nothing is frozen and everything seems to be decently cool, so I'm going to stick with that.

I thought 2 would be colder than 5, but apparently it's not when it comes to my mini-fridge.